you know that feeling you get right after you get all worked up? maybe you thought of something frightening, or maybe you became overly excited. one way or the other you feel it. every nerve in your body feels like it’s on fire. you feel your heart working and blood pumping. you realize you’re human. you realize that every day you live. not only that, but you live well. I feel like I live that moment. I’ve never been so aware about how, silently and perfectly orchestrated, my world is working.
no matter what’s going on around me, when I feel these moments of humanity coming on, everything pauses. it’s right then that I ask how did I get here? how did I become who I am that’s so aware of where I am in life? I am so happy.
although these moments are fleeting, and few and far between, I feel that they speak to your character. what does your mind and soul feel in the moments that your body is on autopilot and it’s just you and God. for me, it’s when I sit there and know it’s okay. I’m going on a path. I’ll never know whose path it was until I stand at the end of it, but there was a journey in it nonetheless.
it’s all wonderful, when you really think about it.
or so they say. I’m sitting in bongo java, which of course was the first place I went after graduation rehearsal. I can’t help but take a moment to reflect on the “here” part of belmont’s catch phrase.
I am graduating today with an entirely different life than what I expected 6 months ago, let alone five and a half years ago. and I am so grateful that God saw it fit to keep me in His will and not my own, because looking back, I would have been a total wreck in my own hands. nothing is turning out like I expected it would, and thank God for that.
I came into school, as most Belmont attendees do, with high hopes and even higher regard for who I had made myself during high school. I knew Belmont would change me, but I underestimated the change. I moved in with the help of my best friend at the time, whom now has her own beautiful life and we are more distant than I enjoy. however that’s expected in life. I made a few friends those first few months of school that now I can only say are great Facebook friends. shortly into the first semester I went through formal recruitment and was chosen to join Alpha Gamma Delta, and I can honestly say that’s where my college career really began. because of the sisters I gained and associates I made through the other Greek organizations, I was able to be encouraged, stay motivated, have fun, stretch my boundaries, and create the woman I wanted to be. I did start to Live With Purpose. throughout the years that I was at Belmont I made so many mistakes. and I had so many successes. I was one of the very few girls to make it all the way through the Audio Engineering Technology major (even though it took me forever). I made some AMAZING friends on that path. some of those audio guys became best friends and more like brothers to me. their teasing motivated me even more than they’ll ever realize, and more than I’d care to let them believe. my professors always had such faith in me, too. I never hit a stumbling block that made me feel like I was doing something wrong (other than electronics and circuit theory). I also was so lucky to hold the on campus jobs I did. being a CA is a lot of what taught me patience and other skills that allow me to be so successful at apple. and my job with the MPAC crew taught me everything I know about live sound. those memories with my crew friends were some of my very favorite, overall. I made an amazing group of friends through crew, and ended up with amazing music major friends as well. collectively I have not only had some of the most wonderful support and encouragement, but some of the most talented and beautiful group of humans that kept my spirits lifted for these five and a half long years. so to all of you friends and coworkers and professors and bosses, thank you. you will truly never know the impact you made on my life.
I’m so grateful for the life God has built for me so far, and I absolutely can not wait to see where the “anywhere” is. I will always hold all of the people that got me to this point near and dear to my heart. and to my family, thank you for your unending support through all my successes, failures, break downs, break ups, embarrassing moments, and total victories. I feel like today is something we can all celebrate because it shows that with support, even the messiest lives can turn out beautifully with the right support.
so thank you to everyone, and praises that I’ve made it. finally. I’m so excited to Live with Purpose From Here to Anywhere.
I’m sitting here, mixing, in the famous Oceanway A. listening to these string and piano tracks that I recorded. I’ve got this ridiculous reverb on the snare, and I’ve perfectly EQed this spectacular piano. I’ve cut out the artists voice completely. on purpose. sitting here listening and mixing got me thinking how wonderfully blessed I have been. I’m in Oceanway. for free. (well…free plus Belmont tuition). I spent many hours in this studio. many. many. many hours. I have recorded TERRIBLE and WONDERFUL things. I’ve had so many friends in and out of these rooms. I’ve had way too much jimmy johns in this studio. I recorded my first full length album in here…which by the way made it to the top 20 on the iTunes r&b charts. I have just really had some of my most favorite moments in here. I was so stressed out sometimes, but I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. I remember one time the board would only work in mono, and I still tracked a full band in here. and it turned out pretty good. this piano has had so many great people at its keys. this board had seen so many lives in front of it. and here I am. little ole me. about to go out into this terrifying music business to try and make my name mean something to people. and it all started in audio 1, me being the only girl of course, and having to fight the boys so they didn’t just make me do the paper work. after all these years, and it has been many…many…years, I feel proud of what I do. I started this audio career of mine with no idea what “panning” meant or what the heck a “fader” was. I was a little classical singer trying to find more ways to be close to music. and now look at me. I’m a little audio engineer trying to find a way to stay close to a studio or tour that gives me this joy deep down in my soul.
I’m really treasuring this moment. with a million patch bay cables around my neck, my nerdy glasses on, my ears about full of too many hours of frequencies, I’m happy. and this bitter sweet moment feels a lot like a giant leap. and I couldn’t feel more nervous/excited/terrified/super jazzed about it. it’s in God’s hands, just like it’s always been. and He’s gotten me here, which is certainly something to marvel at. it moments like this that make you reflect, that really shape your future. where I’ve been has everything to do with where I’m going, and from this spot it’s looking pretty good.
today I’m helping my parents move everything from our old house to a new one.
it’s really had me thinking.
this place had parties, sleepovers, girls nights, my first dates, and everything in between. I built some of my strongest friendships inside these four walls. I had Halloween parties that we still laugh about.
I had my first kiss in this driveway. I had my strongest heartbreak here too. this is where my parents got asked for my hand in marriage. this is where I jumped on the trampoline to clear my head after soccer. every friend I’ve ever truly valued has come through here and probably spent a night or two.
so many family memories are here. so many memories of friends are here. so many painful moments are here. so many treasured thoughts were bread here. and now we’re leaving it behind.
I can’t help but remember so many of the good things we did here. but I can also remember so many difficult moment that I had to go through.
i remember playing wii tennis with my crazy old best friend. i remember the day i got nominated for homecoming queen, and that night finding out my grandmother died. I remember sitting in my room trying to decide which college to go to. I remember getting ready for prom and all my formals here. I remember having my old “future in-laws” here for holidays. I remember the first time my best friend came over and was so scared to walk in because he was terrified of dogs.
the list goes on and on. and just like life, this move is happening one way or the other. these memories will be kept somewhere in my heart, while new ones become equally as cherished. moving forward has very little to do with never remembering what got you to the point of change. it has everything to do with knowing that what has happened, is still what happened. what you had was not lost. what was learned in your past stays with you. and what the future holds is a beautiful and blessed bi-product of what God placed in your life then and now.
it’s hard to say goodbye to these old memories. it’s difficult to have faith that what comes in the future has every bit of joy to match or surpass your best moments you’ve had. but that’s life. a series of moving forward and keeping steady.